Dear Reader,
Thank you for stopping by, it’s nice to metaphorically meet you.
I started writing a blog last year about being a recovering gambling addict and it’s effects. However, gambling for me was symptomatic of a more deeper rooted problem. I wanted to escape.. so found that gambling was a way of escaping how I was feeling inside. But of course, like any negative addiction, it has consequences. Which I won’t bore you with now.
I have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression, but I’m more living with anxiety now. A diagnosis is a label; however, it’s not a ‘one size fits all’ approach. Everyone’s experience is different. For me, I have good and bad days. But I wanted to start writing and sharing my experiences with life stuff as I actually find writing things down helpful. Should I introduce myself? Well my name is Zoe. I am in my eek late 30’s and I suffer from / with anxiety. It’s a debilitating thing to live with. I’ve had this most of my life. Anxiety can take many forms. For most, people feel anxious, but then it’s over. For example, a job interview, a first date, meeting your new partners friends and family. But if you’re like me, it effects most aspects of my life. Sometimes I feel good, other times, awful. My anxiety will make me think of things that aren’t true or a thought will occur that I will then ruminate on and make it worse.
If someone asks me to participate in an activity such as a the cinema, I will think the most dramatic of things such as running into someone I no longer see or someone from my school years. I was bullied at school and following my school years wanted no association with anyone from this time. I will also compare myself to others.. this is self destructive. I know this and will try my best to stop this. However, when feeling low.. thoughts are very dark and negative.
Anyway, my aim of this blog is to look at self care, positive well-being and positive mental health.
Mental health awareness is something that is very current in the media and I am pleased that the stigma of ‘mental health’ is no longer a negative thing. 1:4 of us has an ongoing mental health need.
It’s only in recent years that I have faced up to my own mental health, having previously sought solace in other things, to try and make myself feel something.. shopping for things I didn’t need, comfort food, gambling.. but theses things don’t help. I never spoke about how I was feeling; for fear of opinion, perception, I don’t know. My family are also from the school of ‘you just have to get on with it’. But internally, I felt horrendous. I hated myself. I would also rip of my toe nails and enjoy the pain because it felt like relief. But I needed help.
I saw my GP, who prescribed a low dose SSRI and saw a counsellor. I’ve had different counsellors over the years. Crap ones, empathetic ones, nodding ones, the ‘how does that make you feel ones’.. When I lived overseas – a counsellor I saw was an ex nurse, who was brilliant. But whatever counsellor I saw, I would always feel rubbish. I’ve had CBT, advice from a binge eating disorder service (low mood and seeking comfort in food) but in July 2016, I was seen by a CMHT nurse. At first, I offered to leave the session as I found him aloof. But of all the people I have seen, he was the best. I had acceptance and commitment therapy, mindfulness and something else but I forget the name. In this, I learnt why I didn’t like me. The root cause. The CMHT also mentioned the idea of talking to people in my life – the appropriate person, at the appropriate time. As I say, I never spoke to people in my life about how I was feeling. Why do we feel ok to talk about how we are feeling to a complete stranger, than to people in our lives who care? The nurse mentioned watching a lady called Brene Brown – a TED talk about the power of vulnerability. The link / video is at the end of this post if you are interested.
My first time with him was for 18 months. And when the sessions ended, I was sad but in a good way. But after this time, I was ok for a couple of months, before self referring to him again. I was introduced to the ‘nuturing mind’ being kind to your self. One of the ways I was introduced to a ‘nurturing mind’, was to think of a really caring and kind person; to me this was my surrogate mum. A person I have known for 20 plus years who to me was the stereotypical mum – hugs you when your feeling low, can talk to about anything, has a plate of cake and biscuits ready in case you pop over.. (well maybe the last one is my own ideal) but still. So, the nurse told me to think of her and imagine myself talking to her. Telling her how I speak to myself and the thoughts I have about me – negative things mostly and not liking myself as a person. Saying these things out loud is quite strange; quite surreal. That’s how I see myself? Really? If a friend said these things to you about how they saw themselves what would you say? You would be appealed surely. What would my surrogate mum say? People say that they see me as kind and caring. So if I am kind and caring to others, am I able to apply these attributes to myself.. the answer? mostly no. I am trying though. Learning to like myself just that little bit more one day at a time. This is why I think I wanted to start this.. to document things that I am learning to gain a positive state of well-being and to get rid of the metaphorical club I’ve been beating myself up with for the past 20 years.
Anxiety, life, positive well-being and me - a journal from a 38 year old lass 